我真的懂了...

I met one of my army buddies when I was in the school library doing some work today. As we chatted, we chanced upon the topic of one of our platoon mates. Let's call him P. P is also studying in SIM because apparently, he had difficulties coping with his studies in NTU. In fact, I was one of the first to know he is coming to SIM because he actually called me to enquire about the courses and such.

Actually the whole situation is kinda complex, as such allow me to cut short the entire story. P is not your average guy, to put it bluntly, he is someone who is in serious need of social skills because he has trouble interacting with new people. From what a few of us concerned platoon mates who are also studying in SIM with him can observe, he is really suffering from a lack of self esteem. He will always appear very nervous when he is talking to anyone of us and hardly ever looks at you in the eye. It is thus not surprising that he was often ridiculed and ostracized during our NS days together. But the few of us never behaved that way lah, even though we initially thought he's really one of those CMI ones... you know, played pranks on him and things like that... actually I feel quite bad lah... but it was done in the name of fun, not to put him down or anything like that.

Soon, we gradually accepted him for the way he was. Me, in particular, made an attempt to get to know him better because strangely enough, I kinda have this affinity with "people-like-him" (sorry I couldn't find a better word). I noticed he especially liked to talk to me during our NS days, to the extent he even called me his "best friend"... *gasp* I was merely trying to help him out there... o_O My relationship with P is nothing short of, I say, unique? All these while, I'll be spewing all the usual army style vulgarities when I'm conversing with him. But sensibly enough, he does recognize the fact that I'm trying to talk some sense and truth into him, never mind the style. Anyway, he also speaks like that to me so as long as it gets the message across, I'm game for it.

And so fast forward to after ORD, where we're studying at the respective universities. He still made a conscious attempt to talk to me once in a while, asking me how I'm getting along and the usual stuffs. We had quite lengthy talks on the phone regarding some of the honest opinions I felt towards him (as well as that of some other people). I helped him in my own little way and gave him advice pertaining on how to deal with people, not that I'm an expert in this field cos' nobody is perfect what... I was just telling him what I thought would be an appropriate way to go about doing it...

Endless conversations later and still he didn't get the message across, P would still be stuck in his own inferiority complex and dare not venture out of the little comfort zone he has drawn for himself. I was starting to get frustrated, fueled by the conversations that eventually degenerated into senseless name callings and trash talking, even though its all part of the friendly banter we exchanged with each other. I was beginning to dread talking to him and soon found it a chore to 'entertain' him.

You guys must understand how I felt... the feeling when you have exhausted all options to try to help him and yet he did not even have the slightest intention to change. Instead, he would revert to his usual style of trash talking and putting me down which he finds it funny and I obviously think not. Not especially when I'm trying to be serious with him and he not comprehending this simple fact at all.

I started to give him half hearted replies whenever I bump into him in school because usually nothing constructive comes up anyway whenever we speak. I just want to let him know that I'm pissed and that my sincere efforts to help him are totally wasted. I still don't think he has got it now but why am I sharing this with you guys is because of what my army buddy told me about what P thought of me, especially during NS.

In his words, P said that he really admired me because I could break into mad hysterical antics anytime and still put on a smile on my face despite all the pressures and 'sai kangs' (shit work) that is common with army life. In other words, can I safely assume P is impressed with my positive outlook during bad times and he saw no other better person than to confide in then? hmm... I would think so... Anyway, I kinda felt guilty after hearing this. All these while I was pondering why he chose me to be his 'best friend'... I truly understand now. Even though the feeling is not mutual, I guess I could still put in more effort and help him become a better person?